Slow and Steady

Hey there,

It's been an interesting few days.  Monday was normal, class and lunch with Thomas, always nice.  But I picked up Emily in the morning, the new girl in class, and told her about the miscarriage as we were walking in.  I thought I was doing better and had my emotions under control, but I broke down crying on the way into the embassy.  She was super kind and hugged me and was so sweet, it helped me to pull it together for class.  So obviously it will be a long process of grieving, and I've gotten misty quite a few times the past couple days just thinking about how I'm not going to be holding my baby this April.  I'm not going to wear maternity clothes and complain about my back and acid reflux.  It's hard to know that this is God's will but I'm trying to hold on to the knowledge that God sacrificed His Son, His only child, to save me.

Tuesday I got some not-great news at the follow-up appointment with the doctor.  Evidently I have some blood left that should have passed by now, so I'm taking Methergine to help me get rid of it.  I don't know that it's working so far, but I hope and pray it will so I don't have to have yet another D&C.  I don't want to have to spend another $2200 up front and hope that the insurance will reimburse us fully.  Sigh. 

Wednesday I had class again, just me and Laura this time.  Emily's out of town for a week or so.  We went over numbers and I just need to buckle down and make some flashcards if I'm going to learn/retain anything.  Lunch again with Thomas, which was good.  I shopped at the co-op and got some bacon, eggs and ice cream.  Basic necessities.  I rearranged the two smaller bedrooms, one is Benjamin's room and the other will be a playroom-type thing with his Kangaroo Climber and a little red table that my brother, sister and I all used when we were little, and some child-size chairs.

Tonight Thomas is out with a friend so I'm watching "The Bourne Identity".  I thought about watching something girly and fun, but after powering through "Dawson's Creek" over the past month I was ready for something silly with action.  Benjamin woke up at 6:30am today, which was hellacious.  He's been waking up at 7am instead of 8am, which is bad enough, but I'm not about to tolerate him waking up before 7am.  Ugh, no.  He's been walking lots more, so I guess it's part of the transition to full toddlerhood, but I'm not sure I'm ready.  And he's definitely showing more attitude and fussiness, but that could also be the two molars coming in on the bottom.  Oy.  Here are a few pictures from today.

Look deeply into my eyes.

I'm such a good walker.

I love to look at books, and take all of them off the shelves.

I got to talk with my parents over FaceTime tonight, which was great.  It's so nice to be able to talk and see each other, it's so different from study abroad during college when it was just a phone call every once in a while.  And actual letters.  Ah, real tangible correspondence.  What memories.  I have all the letters Thomas wrote me while we were dating and during my year in Berlin.  Such fun.

That's it for the past few days.  Thanks for reading, and for praying.  For my full physical recovery, for grace and patience in grief.  For patience with Benjamin.  For another pregnancy, and full-term delivery of a healthy baby.

-Rachel